BRITISH HORROR CINEMA

Edited by Steve Chibnall & Julian Petley

An extremely readable collection of essays regarding British horror films...there are a couple of chapters nearer the end which stray into the sort of overly-verbose territory that has me breaking out in cold sweats and having flashbacks to my Master's Degree studies, but overall I found this book to be very accessible and highly enjoyable.

It truly is a mixed bag, wth no two chapters ever really overlapping any of those that will either precede or succeed it, taking in everything from a history of British censorship to Amicus, and it is a wonderfully engaging blend, with all credit due to the editors for their inspired and judicious selection.

However, in keeping with that grandest of traditions, they have truly saved the best until last. Firstly, we have an interview with Clive Barker and Doug Bradley, and then we moveon to what must be the piece de resistance (and my favourite chapter in the book) from Richard Stanley, the director of 'Hardware'. Let me ask you, how many books have you read recently which contain gems like this?:

"In point of fact, Hardware went into pre-production at a time when I thought I had put the movie business behind me for good. Having become embroiled with a Muslim guerrilla organization, I was about as far away from the Scala as I could possibly be, doing my bit to help the mujahedin to fight the communists in Afghanistan. I had just crossed the border back into Pakistan in order to get medical attention for one of my companions who had been wounded in the battle for Jallalabad when I found myself collared by the anxious producers and returned to England to start shooting my first feature as a director."

This guy didn't direct Rambo III...he lived it. Beat that, Mr. Stallone. It certainly trumps my oft-repeated claims about having been a ninja or working in porn, that's for sure.

Stanley's contribution is worth the price of admission by itself, although his recollections of the Scala left me feeling as if I needed a shower to get clean again. It takes in a lot of topics, most interestingly the Jamie Bulger murder, in the aftermath of which Stanley was present at the parliamentary hearings on video nasties.

It really brought back some happy memories of that era for me. Anyway, I'm off to dig out my VHS of 'Hardware', and perhaps see what I can do about getting myself a copy of 'The Lair of the White Worm', by fair means or foul!!!

Let me leave you with this:

"The debacle also proved to be the last straw for my then girlfriend who had been around just long enough to know that things weren't about to get any better. Clearing my odds and ends forcefully from her appartment, she singled out a copy of The Bird With The Crystal Plumage, Dario Argento's debut feature, for particular condemnation 'This is exactly the sort of shit I don't need in my life any more!' she spat, flinging the tainted cassette in my general direction, followed a moment later by a VHS copy of Michael Mann's flawed occult thriller The Keep."

There but for the grace of God go I...although having women pelt you with Giallo flicks on VHS sounds like the sort of kinky sadomasochistic action that certain people would pay a pretty penny for, especially if they were the ultra-rare 'big box' rental versions. Just another thing future generations will be missing out on now that everything's gone digital.

Anyways, back on topic, is it worth the money? Well, it will cost you something like £16-17 new from Amazon, and for my money, that's a tad overpriced (although lest we forget, I am tight-fisted) when you consider the type of book you could get from FAB Press for that sort of price. Still, I got my copy from the local library, so I'm not complaining.

Is it one I'll be ading to my permanent collection, should it turn up on Ebay for £6-8 in the near future? No, probably not...if I were engaging in any sort of academic study wherein the British horror film would be covered then I'd say it was an essential buy given the amount of quoteworthy analysis contained within, but I'm not. It was very much a 'one and done' experience for me, although one that I enjoyed a great deal.

Now, why doesn't some enterprising publisher tap up Richard Stanley for an autobiography?

LOST TRAILER PARK

Moving swiftly on from Hammer films which only exist as posters, it's time to delve into the world of films which only exist as speculative trailers.

The so-called 'faux trailer' has most recently been popularised by the Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez collaboration 'Grindhouse', wherein they and a few other selected filmmakers contributed fake trailers to play inbetween the two feature presentations of 'Death Proof' and 'Planet Terror'.



Alas, 'Grindhouse' blew chunks both critically and commercially, and most people were in agreement that the faux trailers were the best thing about the film. Indeed, so much of a hoopla was made over the fake trailers that Robert Rodriguez decided to spin one of them off into a feature length movie all of its' own. That movie was 'Machete', which, despite an awesome poster, also blew chunks both critically and commercially. I hear the third time's the charm, Bobby...but then again 'Once Upon A Time In Mexico' was a poor relation to the two films that preceded, so maybe that's not the case.



Still, rumours abound about Rob Zombie perhaps doing something with 'Werewolf Women Of The SS". Could faux trailers be the newest insidious marketing/decision making technique from Hollywood? Only time will tell.



What time won't tell you, but I will, is that if you want to see awesome faux trailers for movies that will never exist, then you need to get your ass over to the the Lost Trailer Park. It's nothing short of genius, and their newest trailer 'March Madness' is their best yet!



I first heard about it by listening to the filmmakers being interviewed on the Alternative Cinema Podcast. (If you're not already listening to it, you should be!), and lo and behold, it's even more awesome than it sounded when they outlined the premise of it. Go check them out!

Also, whilst were on the subject of faux trailers, I figure I'll throw in these two from VH1's 'Scream Queens' reality show.

Reform School Zombie Squad. Surely a contender for best line never in a movie?



Vampire Outlaws



Not bad as reality TV shows go, but how much cooler would it have been if the show was geared towards unearthing 'Scream Queens' in the more classical Linnea Quigley sense of the term?



So, it seems the newest trend in moviemaking is not making movies. Who would have thought it?

BECAUSE PIRATES VS. NINJAS IS SOOO LAST YEAR...

Seriously, how could you go wrong with a concept like this?

Sadly it's one of many proposed Hammer projects which never got off the ground (no pun intended) and thus never made it beyond the conceptual artwork/teaser stage.

I'd seen this image floating around the web some years ago, and was just blown away by the awesome simplicity of the concept, and the fact the concept is also simply awesome. It's like an internet meme all unto itself.

What I didn't realise is just how many embryonic Hammer ideas there were that never got produced. I've recently got 'The Hammer Story' out of my local library (it's excellent and a full review shall be forthcoming!), and it's mindboggling to see the Hammer films that never were.

Oh, to be Dr. Evil with his time machine and 100 million dollars...actually, given what I've read so far, $2 million would be enough to make 10 Hammer films plus have change left over. How times have changed, and not for the better.



In the end, it all comes down to nickels and dimes, and for whatever reason the people running the US studios declined these ideas and so they never came to fruition. All that's left is some rather excellent artwork to tease us with a glimpse of what might have been.

On that thought, let me leave you with the teaser poster for 'Savage Jackboot'. Peter Cushing a a Nazi. How cool would that have been?

BONE SICKNESS

BONE SICKNESS
Directed by Brian Paulin
Morbid Vision Films

I've been wanting to check out something from Morbid Vision for a while now...I see them floating about now and then on the Rue Morgue forums, and they seem like good people. Plus I'm getting a uniformly positive vibe about their movie 'Fetus'.

Thus, fate stepped in (in the form of the Horror channel) and provided me the opportunity to watch the movie which preceded 'Fetus', namely 'Bone Sickness'.

'Bone Sickness' chiefly concerns an unfortunate fellow called Alex, who is suffering from a rare degenerative bone disease. The only thing which seems to offset the disease is for Alex to consume bone marrow. Fortunately, Alex's friend Thomas is a mortician, and a man of highly dubious ethics, and thus has access to lots of freshly-minted cadavers brimming with juicy, succulent bone marrow. What could possibly go wrong, I hear you ask?

Take note, phoney Vegas stage magicians...the old 'Sawing A Woman In Half' trick performed without the aid of any tricked-out box. Beat that!



Without wanting to give too much of the plot away, let's just say that all hell breaks loose, the dead walk the earth, and Alex starts retching up worms and maggots as he begins to transform into something quite inhuman...and in that regard he's not alone!

Cleanse. Tone. Exfoliate. Moisturise. Worms. Because you're worth it.

IMDB estimates the budget at around $3000, and as we all know, IMDB is never wrong. Ever.

It struck me that I've actually watched indie horrors with a budget slightly more than 1000 times (yes, one thousand times that of Bone Sickness, and whilst the money is clearly evident in the technical quality of the finished product, if the filmmakers aren't coming from 'the right place', horror-wise, then all the money in the world ain't gonna make a lick of difference. Look at this way, if you can rack up three stars on IMDB by only spending $3,000 then it suggests to me that with a little extra cash and a touch more experience, Paulin and company could really light it up.

You can't keep a good man down...or a zombie, for that matter.

Sure there are technical faults aplenty, and room for improvement in any department you'd care to mention, but the amount of set-piece moments crammed in here, especially considering the obvious financial limitations, is highly impressive.
In spite of the faults, it's still a movie I could stand to watch a second time. I can't say that for Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (about an hour too long, if I'm honest) or 2012 (just plain awful).

A lot of the cast could be described as 'not ready for primetime', but you're not watching this film for soulful soliloquys and meaningful monologues, but rather sadistic skullcrushing and malicious maimings, and on that front, 'Bone Sickness' delivers the goods in spades. And hatchets. And just about any sort of blunt-force trauma inducing object that you might care to imagine.

In addition to the gratuitous gore, we also have some gratuitous nudity to balance the proceedings out.

Usually, when Ruby LaRocca is getting eaten in a movie, it's by Darian Caine or Misty Mundae, not Zombies!

Ruby LaRocca is probably familar to any Seduction Cinema devotees lurking amongst our number (it's okay...you're amongst friends here!), and bodacious lead actress Darya Zabinski's charms might be best summed up as 'a dead heat in the Zeppelin race'...if you know what I mean!
Some mornings, I just don't feel myself until I feel myself...

There's also one bizarre incidence of pixellation of a girl's genitals, I'm guessing perhaps with an eye on being suitable for the Japanese market?

The Japanese do indeed make some rad DVD covers, it must be said...

My biggest gripe with Bone Sickness is not the technical issues, but rather with structure. After what should be the big finale, we have a couple of other scenes tacked on at the end.

Remember: If Brian Paulin ever suggests that he should 'Pimp Your Ride' for you, it would be well advised to politely decline his kind offer...

There's nothing wrong with the scenes in and of themselves (indeed, the graveyard sequence is a veritable gore tour de force, with a terrific bludgeoning decapitation with the help of a handy headstone!), it's just that
they are devoid of any protagonist the audience can identify with, seeing as just about every character in the film
is slowly working their way through some zombie's digestive tract at this point in the proceedings.

If I'm being picky, he should really be wearing gloves...but who's going to argue with someone pointing a gun at them?

There's also a sequence illustrating the zombie problem spreading to the wider world, and with the forces of humanity clad in biohazard suits, it kind of puts one in the mind of Romero's 'The Crazies',
or other toxic-spill inspired zombie flicks of the Eighties. Again, nothing wrong with it...there's a car stunt, a body burn, and yet more gore, including an awesome suicide-by-hand-grenade scene!
It's just that it seems superfluous in the context of the general storyline of the movie.

Finally, we have a short but atmospheric scene showing a zombie ambling his way across a snow covered landscape as a desperate voice on the radio asks if there is anyone out there still alive. I think this scene might have worked better if it was dropped in at the end of the credit reel.
As it is, it's just another part of the collection of scenes at the end which tend to distract from the narrative that has preceded it. I can certainly see the intent of these scenes, but whilst they contain some of the more impressive sequences in the film, I still think they do more harm than good.
Looking at them, it's hard to see how you would edit them down so as to be effective in a narrative context without losing something good in a blood-and-guts context. Working at this budget level, if you've spent the time and money shooting something, you really can't afford not to put it in.

I couldn't help but like it, in spite of the numerous production shortcomings. The good outweighs the bad, and it's never boring, predictable, formulaic or prosaic...I've seen a lot more respectably-budgeted mid-level indie horrors
where the production values are on a par with a 1990s TV show, but they're just kind of bland. Bone Sickness was obviously done on a shoestring, and more often than not it shows, but it matters not a jot in the grander scheme of things because it's evidently a movie that has its' heart in the right place...until some undead ghoul tears it out of their chest or something, that is.

It's a heaving, pus-spewing, blood-gushing, gore-laden highlight reel of horror set pieces. I think a lot of more casual horror fans would dismiss it out of hand as amateurish rubbish (but what do they know, after all?), but true horror fans would immediately realise a no-budget gem that punches way above its' weight.

Cool? Undoubtedly.


If you like your movies all glossy and blue-lit like every other Hollywood horror, you'll hate Bone Sickness. If, on the other hand, you love low budget indie horror and like to see practical effects as opposed to CGI, then Bone Sickness will be right up your alley. This is horror made by hardcore horror fans for hardcore horror fans, for those people to whom splatter matters.
If you, like me, count yourself amongst that number, then you'll no doubt be punching the air with macabre glee and failing to restrain yourself from yelling 'Fucking Old School!' at the top of your lungs. I kind of caught myself subconsciously humming the theme tune from 'Zombie Flesh Eaters' a couple of times...it's definitely a movie that will bring those sort of 80's Italian zombie flick memories rushing back.

Now that's what I'm talking about!

Your mileage may vary dependent upon your tolerance for ultra-low budget filmmaking, but for me this movie rather hit the spot. C'mon...where else are you going to see a film where one of the characters projectile-farts a mess of worms out of their bleeding backside?

Exactly.

Apparently there are two versions of this flick in existence, but I've no idea which one it is that I ended up watching, and which DVD version that corresponds to. I'm going to attempt to find out and will update this review accordingly as and when I do.

There goes the neighbourhood...

So, having ostensibly 'watched it for free' on the TV, would I now go out and buy it on DVD? Yes, I think I will...however, I think I might be tempted to make a little detour and perhaps check out 'Fetus' first. Either way, Bone Sickness has served to whet my appetite. It's an acquired taste, no doubt, but it's the kind of thing I can most certainly watch quite happily.

A Brief Update...

First off, apologies for not posting in so long. I've recently had both of my computers go haywire, plus I've been experimenting with a new format for posting reviews on the blog. Rather than type them straight into Blogger, I'm going to complete them in another application and then just copy and paste them.

The problem with Blogger is that you save something, come back to it and finish it off, or post something new inbetween finishing it, and it gets posted in the date order you started it, ergo the 'newest' post may actually crop up in the archives rather than front and centre. There have actually been updates to this blog, but due to the dating system, you could be forgiven for missing them and thinking it was not the case.

In spite of all that, I haven't simply been sat around doing bugger all. In fact, I've been rather busy...here's what I've been up to:

1)Writing reviews for the Combat Film section of Combat Magazine. They keep me well stocked with interesting screeners, some of which I shall also be reviewing here in a more in-depth fashion. Aside from getting my (real) name and work in print, it has also provided me with the opportunity to get my reviews quoted on DVD sleeves and even on TV adverts!

2)Getting the ball rolling on my new blog project Read, Review, Bid Adieu, wherein I am undertaking to re-read, review, and then get rid of my massive comics collection one book at a time. Feel free to drop by and enjoy my reminiscences, recollections, remorse and regret as I slowly whittle my comics collection away, bit by bit.

I kicked the whole thing off with a bang with San Diego Comic Con Comics #2 (the very rare and very valuable first ever appearance of Hellboy!). Yes, the first cut is the deepest, but if I can bring myself to sell that, I shouldn't have any problems parting with the rest of my collection...or should I?

Tune in and find out for yourself. It promises to be an excruciatingly embarrassing experience as I try to recall what motivated me to buy certain books and so forth.

3)Visiting the set of the upcoming film 'On The Ropes' and interviewing the principals behind it. Look for a report to appear in Combat magazine shortly...

So remember, anything cool and genre-related you might have that needs reviewing, send it my way! Just drop me an email for the details. I have to say that I am more than a little shocked and disappointed not to have been deluged by a flurry of no-budget zombie or slasher movies yet. If you know someone who knows someone who's making a zero budget horror flick, send them my way, dammit!

Also, I don't just review movies...I can (and do) read books as well. Frankly, I'm game for anything. Having said that, the only offers I've had to review stuff on my blog have come from a software company, whose products aren't remotely genre or exploitation related. Must I be reduced to that? I hope not, but on the plus side they are promising me a full version of the software if I publish a good review. Shall I prostitute myself so? I may not need or have use for my software, but perhaps the whole thing would make good fodder for my CV (or 'resume' for our Americanese-spesaking readers).

In the meantime, I'm gearing up to drop one of my 'new format' articles on the blog...a Johannes Roberts retrospective. It's gonna be a doozy!

THE SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSICAL POONTANG THEORY...

Let me run this past you:

PART ONE:

How the BBFC could even contemplate banning this masterpiece is beyond me...

THE SPAGHETTI WESTERN BIT
One of the greatest Spaghetti Westerns ever filmed (for my money, at least) is Sergio Corbucci's 'Django'. I could totally murder the theme song at a Karaoke evening. It's the film Sam Peckinpah's 'The Wild Bunch' wishes it was, and that's saying something!

THE MUSICIAN BIT
Dave Stewart (most notably the one out of The Eurythmics who wasn't Annie Lennox) has a son, also a musician, called 'Django'. He probably named him after the somewhat obscure guitarist Django Reinhardt, but I'd prefer to think he named him after Franco Nero's coffin-dragging badass of the same name. Plus, it fits the theory.

Admit it. You would, wouldn't you? I know I would...

THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN BIT
Django Stewart is, as we say in the trade, 'knocking off' the rather delectable Georgia May Jagger.

PART TWO:

Nobody made a Spaghetti Western about a guy called Pete Best, know what I'm saying?

THE SPAGHETTI WESTERN BIT
There's also a titular Spaghetti Western character called 'Ringo', who has also appeared in a number of films. Face facts: Any movie franchise that can have both Richard Harrison(the undisputed King of Ninja movies!) and Sergio Leone doing the musical duties must be required viewing.

THE MUSICIAN BIT
The drummer out of The Beatles is also called 'Ringo'. The generally-held consensus is that Ringo was not only the least musically talented of the group (pretty harsh when you consider the competition), but probably also not really musically talented enough to make a career as a professional drummer either.

THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN BIT
Yet Ringo was somehow talented enough to pull Barbara Bach, one of the most outrageously doable Bond Girls ever.

Rope. Closet. Women's underwear. Is it still 'too soon' for me to start doing David Carradine jokes?

I'd say that trumps a Yoko Ono in any man's language, even more so if said man happens to be avowedly heterosexual.

PART THREE:

Do I really have to further prove my theory to you foolhardy disbelievers by revealing that there is in fact a character called 'Mongo' in 'Blazing Saddles', named after the musician Mongo Santamaria?

You can naysay all you like, but I am convinced that this in fact proof positive of one of the immutable laws of the universe, like toast always landing buttered side down and cats always landing on their feet.

Mongo chins a horse

It seems quite evident to me that if you want to hook up with the best looking women, it pays to be named after an obscure character in a Western who also shares a name with a musician, and the name should preferably end with the letters 'ngo'. For some reason, the convergence of Spaghetti Westerns, Music, and the 'ngo' ending seems to attract beautiful women like bees to honey.

Bear this in mind when it comes time to name your male offspring. Me, I'm off down to the Deed Poll office to get my name changed to 'Bango', then I'm going to kick back and wait for scores of beautiful women to start throwing themselves at me, like they do in those terribly subtle deodorant adverts you see on the TV.

LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS

First things first...let me apologise for the lack of updates. I've gotten a bit sidetracked with my review of Nightmare USA (which is understandably taking forever to do, given the size of the book in question), so I'm going to be making up for lost time with a lot of shorter reviews to make up for the disruption in service.

So without further ado, let me get on to Lesbian Vampire Killers...

About the only way anyone could give this movie 'two thumbs up'...

I haven't got the DVD of this, and I didn't go and see it when it was out at the cinema either. It's one of those where my immediate reaction was 'I'll wait for it to pop up on Sky Movies', and boy was I right!

Simply put, Lesbian Vampire Killers is a bottle job of epic proportions. One would perhaps go in expecting an entertaining exploitation-tinged blend of lowbrow comedy, gratuitous sex and/or nudity, and splatterific horror, but it fails to deliver on all three counts.

It's somewhat symptomatic of the general attitude of (and indeed, problem with) a lot of UK media types whereby they lack the conviction (nee balls) to make a proper exploitation film and instead churn out safe and insipid filler like this. Films like Lesbian Vampire Killers are what happens when you let right-on Guardian-reading PC types attempt to make exploitation films, only without exploiting anyone or anything. Simply put, they lack the gumption (or testicular fortitude) to go the whole hog.

Don't get me wrong...the production values are generally very good (despite much of it being very obviously shot in a studio), the performances are acceptable, and Corden tries to make a go of the comedy part of the bargain, but the script isn't particularly funny to begin with. You get the distinct impression that had 'Gavin & Stacy' never been made, neither would Lesbian Vampire Killers.

The fact that it is a certificate 15 should tell you everything you need to know...this is an object lesson in the pulling of punches, and one which I'd urge you to avoid. Whether this was done with a commercial sensitivity in mind (you've got a larger potential audience for a 15 rather than an 18), or as I suspect is more likely, because the filmmakers kind of want to make an exploitation film because it's 'cool', but don't actually want to make an exploitation film because it's not politically correct. Which is basically like trying to make a porno without any sex or nudity. What you're left with is neither fish nor fowl, yet curiously close to a turkey all the same.

Like I say, thankfully I didn't buy this on DVD, otherwise I would be punting it out on Ebay in double quick time. Save your time and money, or better yet, spend it on a film that does deliver the goods.