Wednesday, 23 March 2011


Moving swiftly on from Hammer films which only exist as posters, it's time to delve into the world of films which only exist as speculative trailers.

The so-called 'faux trailer' has most recently been popularised by the Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez collaboration 'Grindhouse', wherein they and a few other selected filmmakers contributed fake trailers to play inbetween the two feature presentations of 'Death Proof' and 'Planet Terror'.

Alas, 'Grindhouse' blew chunks both critically and commercially, and most people were in agreement that the faux trailers were the best thing about the film. Indeed, so much of a hoopla was made over the fake trailers that Robert Rodriguez decided to spin one of them off into a feature length movie all of its' own. That movie was 'Machete', which, despite an awesome poster, also blew chunks both critically and commercially. I hear the third time's the charm, Bobby...but then again 'Once Upon A Time In Mexico' was a poor relation to the two films that preceded, so maybe that's not the case.

Still, rumours abound about Rob Zombie perhaps doing something with 'Werewolf Women Of The SS". Could faux trailers be the newest insidious marketing/decision making technique from Hollywood? Only time will tell.

What time won't tell you, but I will, is that if you want to see awesome faux trailers for movies that will never exist, then you need to get your ass over to the the Lost Trailer Park. It's nothing short of genius, and their newest trailer 'March Madness' is their best yet!

I first heard about it by listening to the filmmakers being interviewed on the Alternative Cinema Podcast. (If you're not already listening to it, you should be!), and lo and behold, it's even more awesome than it sounded when they outlined the premise of it. Go check them out!

Also, whilst were on the subject of faux trailers, I figure I'll throw in these two from VH1's 'Scream Queens' reality show.

Reform School Zombie Squad. Surely a contender for best line never in a movie?

Vampire Outlaws

Not bad as reality TV shows go, but how much cooler would it have been if the show was geared towards unearthing 'Scream Queens' in the more classical Linnea Quigley sense of the term?

So, it seems the newest trend in moviemaking is not making movies. Who would have thought it?


Seriously, how could you go wrong with a concept like this?

Sadly it's one of many proposed Hammer projects which never got off the ground (no pun intended) and thus never made it beyond the conceptual artwork/teaser stage.

I'd seen this image floating around the web some years ago, and was just blown away by the awesome simplicity of the concept, and the fact the concept is also simply awesome. It's like an internet meme all unto itself.

What I didn't realise is just how many embryonic Hammer ideas there were that never got produced. I've recently got 'The Hammer Story' out of my local library (it's excellent and a full review shall be forthcoming!), and it's mindboggling to see the Hammer films that never were.

Oh, to be Dr. Evil with his time machine and 100 million dollars...actually, given what I've read so far, $2 million would be enough to make 10 Hammer films plus have change left over. How times have changed, and not for the better.

In the end, it all comes down to nickels and dimes, and for whatever reason the people running the US studios declined these ideas and so they never came to fruition. All that's left is some rather excellent artwork to tease us with a glimpse of what might have been.

On that thought, let me leave you with the teaser poster for 'Savage Jackboot'. Peter Cushing a a Nazi. How cool would that have been?