I DREAMED A DREAM: CHARITY PORN

...A FREEFORM DELUSION IN THREE PARTS...

PART 1: HELLO KITTY

I had an idea this morning whilst brushing my teeth which can only be described as 'Garybuseyian' in the scale of its' innate madness (The idea, that is...not my teeth).

Hello Kitty!

Xavier Leret's flick 'Unarmed But Dangerous' (AKA 'Kung Fu Flid') has the distinction of containing the feature film debut of one Ms. Kitty Lea, the much-beloved Page 3/Lad's Mag model.

No caption required...

In addition to all of her other activities, Ms. Lea has recently started doing the occasional daytime shift on Elite TV, one of those 'babe' channels where blokes phone in and talk one-on-one with their favourite model as they writhe about seductively and attempt to keep the guy on the (extortionately priced) line as long as possible and thus rack up those all-important call charges.

"What?! Would I 'plug your blog'? No, I'm not into strap-ons..."

It was while considering these disparate and apparently unrelated strands that inspiration struck me like that mythical bolt of lightning out of the blue...How mental would it be to phone her up whilst on TV and conduct a brief (with the emphasis firmly on brief) interview regarding UBD/KFF? It would certainly no doubt make for a refreshing change in the subject matter of the calls she would be receiving if nothing else.

On the face of it, it's a CV-padder's dream...a live, nationally broadcast on-air interview all for the price of a somewhat expensive phonecall. Better yet, because viewers at home can't hear what the callers are talking about unless they too phone up and listen in, you can pretty much make up the content as you go along, or perhaps simply forego the phone call altogether and just concoct the fictional interview out of thin air. In short, it would be about as credible as that live Michael Jackson seance that Sky put on, which is to say not at all.

Then again, because of the relatively private nature of the conversation, one could perhaps view the whole endeavour as thr crafty-genreblogger-stealth-interviews-hot-girl-on-phone-sex-TV-show equivalent of that old philosophical chestnut about a whether or not a tree falling in the woods makes a sound if there's nobody there to hear it. In short, whilst the idea would amuse and please me (and one gets the distinct impression that self-amusement/pleasure is the overriding motive of the sort of folks who phone into these channels), to be a truly great idea it needs to be developed into something a little more significant and far reaching.

"We can't stop here...this blog is batshit country".

Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally down on it, I just thought I could do something a little better, and a shade more ambitious. Frankly, I think the initial idea as it stands merits some sort of Hunter S. Thompson Brilliance in Gonzo Journalism award, even if I do say so myself. (I wonder if anyone has ever done a live TV seance for him?)

PART 2: HELLO HOLLYWOOD

"Yes, this is Bruce Willis. What's that? You're a big Marvel Comics fan and you'll pledge $2,500 if I can get the guy who played The Thing to sucker-punch the guy who played Daredevil in the back of the head? Now why would you want to see that? Give me three good reasons why I should make that happen? What's that? Gigli, Jersey Girl, and Pearl Harbor. Yeah, okay, you win..."

Indeed, now that I think about it some more, how cool do you think it would be if somebody would have thought to pull the same stunt during the Haiti telethon in the USA recently? I think most people would gladly cough up $50-$100 for charity for the opportunity to bend Steven Spielberg's ear back about the unmitigated travesty that was 'Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull', even if only for 30 seconds or so.

You have a captive audience/subject, because at the end of the day, they want your money (for whatever purpose, noble or ignoble), so they're not going to be in any hurry to hang up. Simply record, upload, and bask in the glory of instant internet legend status.

"Yes, this is Sandra Bullock. Oh, thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoy my movies. What's that? You'll mail our appeal ten crisp $100 bills if I tell you how to use the Three Seashells to wipe your ass like in Demolition Man? Well, actually, that was just a...oh, I see...you've been experimenting with it at home for the last three months with varying degrees of success? You just keep getting shit all over your hands and the seashells? Ok. Y'know, actually, now I come to think about it do you have a credit card at all? I mean it's just that I'd hate to think of the cash getting lost in the mail..."


PART 3: HELLO HOES

It was then that the the true Eureka moment duly arrived, and I realised that the above ideas were mere Fool's Gold in comparison to the brainwave that had now taken root in my cerebral cortex. If Hollywood can get together and do a 'Hope For Haiti' telethon, how much better (and ultimately more profitable) would it be if they, or the US porn industry, did a 'Hoes For Haiti' phone sex telethon? How much would the man on the street be prepared to pay for 15 minutes of verbal filth from Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie? I conservatively estimate a princely sum, especially when you consider that it's all in aid of a 'good cause'. Why, just think of the amount of money that would be generated as Bono had phone sex with himself...it would be like a fiduciary feedback loop of epic proportions, and all for charity too.

Truly, somebody needs to hep that dishevelled clown Geldof to what I'm saying here, because I think we're on to a potential winner...