THE SILENCER

THE SILENCER
Running Time: 75 mins
Directed & Produced by Steve Lawson & Simon Wyndham
TRAILER
OFFICIAL SITE

I've been meaning to check out The Silencer for a long time. Firstly, it's a no-budget British film. I'm all for no-to-low budget filmmakers, doubly so if they happen to hail from my homeland.

Secondly, I thought it looked cool and that the concept had some definite potential with its' faceless/voiceless hero clad in black motorcycle leathers and a tinted helmet.

Unfortunately, it seems The Silencer first surfaced on DVD in the UK on the now-defunct Black Horse Entertainment label, which means that due to its' relative rarity, it can be difficult to scare up a copy at the sort prices I'm willing to pay when taking a punt on a low budget indie.

Sure, you can get dirt cheap ex-rental versions off of ebay, but I'm as anally-retentive about not having DVDs with 'RENTAL COPY' plastered
over them as I am anally-retentive about having proper retail versions with a sleeve and all the trimmings. What can I say...I am a DVD snob, otherwise I would have probably downloaded it off the internet or something. Where's the fun in that, I ask you?

So I was like the dog with two bones, caught between the affordable yet undesirable ex-rental copy or the brand new and sealed but priced at more than I want to pay retail version, and unable to decide on either.

Then lo and behold, out of the blue, no less than Steve Lawson (not to be confused with fellow UK director Steven Lawson) himself emails me and asks me if I'd like a review copy. Thus inadvertently solving my dilemma whilst simultaneously disproving the maxim 'If you don't ask, you don't get.'

I didn't ask, but I did get. With this is mind, I'm going to purposely NOT ask low budget indie filmmakers to send me their screeners, because the asking approach doesn't seem to be working...maybe I should make the first move and contact them? We shall see.

So, the moral of the story is that if you send me your movie, book, comic, fanzine, whatever...I WILL REVIEW IT. Steve Lawson figured it out, and this here review is the result. I am as good as my word!

So, without any further ado, here is my review of The Silencer



Glenn Salvage is Michael Eastman, an elite anti-narcotics cop who's been double crossed and left for dead. Having been shot full of lead by the henchman of the local drug kingpin, he awakes in hospital some time later to discover that thanks to some pioneering surgical techniques, his life has been saved, but his vocal chords have not. Whilst his wounds leave him mute, in a Darkman-esque twist it appears that an unexpected side-effect of the surgery has rendered him impervious to pain...but not from injury.

Suspended from the force, Eastman must now struggle to come to terms with his injuries, clear his name and exact vengeance upon those who have robbed him of everything, including the love of his life who has now shacked up with one of his corrupt former team-mates. Drug dealers, hoodlums, corrupt cops...you name it, he's going after them with a vengeance.

Spiritually, the movie feels like it should have been shot in the late 80's/early 90's in New York. I feel a more bleak urban environment (or more of the bleak urban environment that is already there) would have complimented the similarly-bleak mood of the piece. As it is, a lot of the movie is shot in the beautiful English countryside in bright sunshine (which is a rare enough combination in and of itself!) which seems a little incongruous with the overall mood of the piece.

Some full-on 80's cheese sequences shot with either blue gels or filters as the menacing back-lit silhouette figure of The Silencer suddenly strides through one of those ubiquitous clouds of steam/smoke
that always seem to be rising out of somewhere in 80's urban action flicks (like the iconic title card shot from the opening credits of 'The Equalizer') would definitely have hit the spot.

There's a subway sequence that certainly captures the right sort of mood (I'd dare say the film was given an 18 certificate on the strength of some of the grafitti alone...disgusting!), and some more sequences along those lines would certainly not have gone amiss.

One thing the filmmakers have unquestionably got right is the wonderfully ominous synth signature we hear whenever villains suddenly realise that The Silencer is there...again pure 80's, but absolutely bang on the money, thematically-speaking!

Image quality is excellent, and the use of camera movement is subtle and well-judged (as opposed to the
'We're paying for the jib/dolly for the whole day, so we might as well use it for every shot!' brigade, the spiritual twins of the irritatingly ubiquitous 'Let's use every effect and transition in Final Cut Pro just to show that we can' people).

Particularly impressive also is the use of reveals. Both Lawson and Wyndham have professional experience, so we're not looking at your usual camcorder jockeys here, and thankfully it shows.

There are certain scenes and a couple of performances which occasionally serve to betray the true budgetary level of the work, but then there are also those which punch far above the financial weight of the production too. Maye Choo has gone on to carve out a nice career in television dramas such as 'Honest' (NSFW), and Jim Clossick was also very impressive, particularly near the end of the film. I've seen a lot worse, but taking the rough with the smooth this is a very passable and fairly professional looking production. Dare I say it but this is the kind of movie that should be turning up late night on Movies4men or Movies24 (before they start with their 'erotic' programming). I'd much rather watch this than one of those second run made-for-TV Syfy channel disaster movies which all seem to closely follow the Jaws/Day After Tomorrow template.

Action and fight sequences are great. Cinematically, the subway sequence is the standout, but I think my favourite overall is his second visit to the country estate of drug dealer Sirrus Rook, complete with a pair of butterfly knives (for those not au fait with these things, I'm talking about the meat cleaver sized Chinese knives rather than the Balisong flick knives which are sometimes erroneously called Butterfly knives).
Butterfly Knives...that's what I'm talking about!

There's also a pleasing dust-up at a car scrapyard, with all the smashing of windscreens and denting of bodywork your heart could possibly desire.

Whether they needed to be or not is another question. Truth be told, if we're going to be picky, I'd probably say that The Silencer specifically belongs in the genre of vigilante films. There's definitely some martial arts action, but the nature of this particular beast is definitely
in the tradition of Death Wish and The Exterminator (the chief influence on the film, so much so that one of the characters is named Ginty by way of homage to Robert Ginty). The commentary mentions specific pains being taken to limit the style of fighting to reflect the condition of The Silencer, holding off on the big moves until the showpiece finale. Obviously, the budget did not stretch to huge amounts of onscreen gunplay with squibs going off everywhere, so hand-to-hand combat makes a very decent substitute. As it is, I think they've done a great job of serving their narrative needs (of a physically limited character) whilst still fulfilling the requirement for action.

Would an explosion or two have made it a better film? Maybe, but then we would be straying away from the vigilante genre and firmly into the territory of the action movie. Thankfully, the filmmakers elected not to use CGI explosions or anything like that. Sometimes, less is more, and nothing would ruin the suspension of disbelief more than crappy CGI. In the end, there's a lot to be said for 'keeping it real'.

What the movie does lack is a strong central antagonist or villain, which I believe is in part due to there being perhaps one too many 'key' villains, and not enough screen time being available to properly develop them and establish them as truly credible threats to our hero. There are five by my count, and with a running time of 75 minutes, that doesn't leave a lot when you consider the main character, love interest, and any of the slightly more incidental characters too (like the drug dealing Irish terrorists, for example).

Lawson himself plays one of them, and mentions in his commentary that he was struck by just how much he is in the movie, and concedes that it's probably too much.

Of course, this is one of the drawbacks to having the main character be mute...whilst there are numerous non-verbal things you can do to move the plot along, you're not going to be able to get away with this for the lion's share of the movie. The filmmaker's have obviously realised this and opted to have other characters pick up the slack in terms of dialogue and exposition rather than use flashbacks, dream sequences or internal monologues to give Eastman a voice.



At this budget level, it's a lot easier and cheaper to shoot something with Steve Lawson, because as one of the producers, he's always there. Also, lest people jump to the wrong conclusion and think that it's one of those oft-seen exercises in ego-gratification whereby the producer assiduously casts themselves in their own movie, make themselves look like a total badass, hog all the best lines and end up either in bed or the jacuzzi with one or more nubile and naked young women who, but for the fact they are being paid, would otherwise be out of said producer's league (...and believe you me, I have seen a fair few of those kind of movies), you could not be more wrong.

Lawson arguably plays the least likeable and most unsympathetic character in the entire film. A villain, but more of a pitifully detestable one than a 'cool' or fearsome villain, and without wishing to give too much away, he has a wonderful 'just when you thought he couldn't go any lower' moment towards the end of the film as he tries to placate a local drug dealer. A self-promoting role it is not, but there is a lot of it.

In addition to the inability of the central protagonist to speak is the fact that Eastman
is also fitted with a neck brace (which he removes before going into action), which prevents any movement of the head, including minimal movements such as nodding.

In such a situation where the tools of both verbal and non-verbal expression are either seriously curtailed or removed completely, some actors might tend towards
overcompensating with their facial gestures, which can have the unfortunate side-effect of descending into unintentional comedy. Fortunately, Salvage avoids falling into this trap in his depiction of Eastman. Another bonus is that they probably saved a small fortune in ADR costs by conceiving the lead character in this fashion...the filmmakers never mention this as being in any way responsible for informing or motivating their decision to have a mute lead, so I'm going to assume it's just a happy accident. If not, it's a devilishly clever money saver.

The only dialogue scene Glenn Salvage gets to do in the whole movie!

I'm happy to report that the single disc is heaving with extras, including a making of featurette, outttakes, and not one but two
(count 'em!) commentaries!

***PLEASE NOTE: Steve Lawson has informed me that the version put out by Blackhorse in the UK does NOT contain the commentary tracks like my review copy, but does contain the other extras. Please bear this in mind when I'm talking about the commentaries. I was unaware of this at the time of writing my review, but I'm leaving the sections regarding the commentaries in because I believe they help paint a fuller picture.***

The second commentary involves Lawson flying solo and giving a 'Low budget Filmmaking 101' of sorts, which is extremely honest in its' appraisal
of the film and its' inherent faults.

It's another one of these films which has been shot over the course of a year rather than a few weeks. Of course, this sort of thing matters not a jot to the man in the street, who expects it to be as good as your average $50 million Hollywood action movie. Personally, I can't help but admire what they've managed to put together with so little money.

It's highly interesting to see and hear what went wrong and how the problems were overcome, or how they impacted upon what was initially planned.

The Silencer is a film I like 'as is', off the bat as a stand alone feature, but I dare say that you'll appreciate it a lot more and respect the
achievement of the filmmakers after having listened to the commentaries. I know I certainly did.

For example, regarding my contention about too many weakly-established key villains (or 'end of level boss' types, for the video game geeks among us), there is one who is obviously there to provide a physical counterpoint to The Silencer. Alas, the actor playing him injured his leg, meaning that they were unable to display his kicking prowess in an earlier scene where he's working over a punchbag,
and that the proposed 'epic showdown' also had to be cut drastically short as well. The idea was sound enough, but unfortunately the filmmaking fates conspired to prevent it being realised in the intended manner.

Of course, in the ad hoc think-on-your-feet world of low budget filmmaking, you are going to get the occasional curveball thrown at you. Life certainly threw a few lemons in their direction on this shoot, but they made lemonade accordingly.

What's most bizarre to me is that one of the best and most striking scenes in the movie seems to have come about completely by chance. After The Silencer has dispatched a bunch of would-be rapists in the subway, he moves towards their intended victim, an Oriental girl, a reaches out to her, but she recoils and
runs away, terrified of the mute brute lurching towards her, incapable of offering so much as a reassuring word. Given that Eastman's estranged love interest is also Oriental, I feel this scene serves as a wonderful encapsulated metaphor which both mirrors and echoes his plight. Neither commentary track draws attention to any intent
behind it (I'd be crowing about it if I'd thought up putting something like that in, let me tell you...),
so I can only assume it is a happy accident, even though the fact it is shot in slow motion would tend to suggest that some thought went into it.

Either way, it really works as a cinematic device. In truth, it would have still worked with any female, but the fact we are talking about two women of similar appearance and ethnicity makes it a doubly bizarre coincidence, but doubly effective in a visual terms at the same time. For me, the single most memorable and resonant scene of the whole movie.

We later learn that this apparently coincidental casting of two ethnically-similar females also served to inform the characterisation of one of the villains (a drug dealer with something of a taste for ladies of the Asian persuasion), and also part of the storyline in the final third of the film (wherein Lawson's character reaches a whole new depth of scumbaggery).

There's also a sequence contrived to get a little 'production value' out of a real life motorcycle spill on-set. Again, whilst I like the film as is, it's only after getting the inside scoop on the making of it that you really begin to fully appreciate it for what it is.

Whilst scouring the web for some pictures with which to tart up my review, I happened across the Tesco DVD Rental page for the movie, wherein one disgruntled reviewer from Cardiff complains about wasting 90 minutes of their weekend on the film (which only has a 75 minute running time...go figure), and claims the story line rips off the Steven Seagal film 'HARD TO KILL' as well, which it plainly does not.

Another makes the ludicrous claim that The Silencer is a 'Rip off from every film with martial arts in'.

Just take a moment to reflect upon the outright stupidity of that statement. Aside from the obvious physical improbability and impracticality of such a notion, this plainly laughable assertion is easily disproved. For example, at no point in the film does Salvage homage Van Damme by doing the splits or flashing his bum, there's no wirework whatsoever, and absolutely no ninjas either.

It's a good job Tesco's doesn't rent hardcore porn DVDs (....yet. Every little helps, after all), lest he accuse the director of Sex-Starved Sorority Sluts of ripping off Cum Chugging Co-Ed Cheerleaders because their movie also features a scene where some guy ejaculates on some chick's face.

Seriously, some people do get out of their pram over nothing these days! Possibly they are getting it confused with one of the other films (at least three more by my count) called 'The Silencer', one of which stars the American Ninja himself, Michael Dudikoff!

Dudikoff's cool, but he'll never out-ninja Richard Harrison

Or this one:



Anyway, that aside, I'd definitely scarf up a retail DVD version of this if I come across it at a price I'm amenable to. Yes, I'm one of those sad people who likes them in the case with the sleeve and everything. I still buy books made from paper too. And read them.

The Silencer was actually pretty much the film I expected it to be. I could tell from the trailer that it was a cut above most low-budget stuff, and I wasn't wrong. I'm not going to lie to you and pretend it's the greatest thing since sliced bread or that it raises the bar clean out of sight. In the end, it's just an extremely decent little movie, nothing more, nothing less. Don't go in expecting a Hollywood blockbuster and you won't come out disappointed.

The storyline would definitely benefit from a little simplification, and some of the performances are a little patchy in places, but that's just a matter of personal taste. Some of the longer dialogue sequences would definitely have benefited from some intercutting of different shots. Alas, shots require set-ups, set-ups require time, and time requires money, which is something that is in short supply at this level of filmmaking. Thus, sacrifices have to be made.

In terms of mood, execution, and action scenes, The Silencer delivers quite handsomely. In the course of writing his review, I've watched it three times (once with the soundtrack, then once with each commentary), and even with the rough edges I feel I could quite happily watch it again at some point. It's very easy to watch, possibly due to the slightly shorter than average running time, although it's not noticeably short and is well paced throughout.

As I write this, the usually-Satanic IMDB has it clocked as a 6.7, which isn't probably too far from the truth, and when you consider how little was spent on it and the manner in which it was produced, it's an achievement and a half. One shudders to think what the team behind it might be capable of if given a budget somewhere between a luxury car and a small house.

If you want to make your own low budget independent films however, this one is definitely required viewing. If anything, I'd recommend it to aspiring filmmakers before martial arts fans, such is the amount of insight and revelation provided by the commentaries. As I said in my review of Infestation, I much prefer open and honest commentaries as opposed to the saccharine Hollywood ones where everybody and everything is either 'great', 'fantastic' or 'amazing'. It's refreshing to see filmmakers who not only realise what they've done wrong or could have done better, but also own up to it as well.

So, to paraphrase a famous song, as far as low budget action flicks go 'Silence(r) is golden'. If you spot a copy at a price you like, my advice would be to snap it up post haste.

BRITISH HORROR CINEMA

Edited by Steve Chibnall & Julian Petley

An extremely readable collection of essays regarding British horror films...there are a couple of chapters nearer the end which stray into the sort of overly-verbose territory that has me breaking out in cold sweats and having flashbacks to my Master's Degree studies, but overall I found this book to be very accessible and highly enjoyable.

It truly is a mixed bag, wth no two chapters ever really overlapping any of those that will either precede or succeed it, taking in everything from a history of British censorship to Amicus, and it is a wonderfully engaging blend, with all credit due to the editors for their inspired and judicious selection.

However, in keeping with that grandest of traditions, they have truly saved the best until last. Firstly, we have an interview with Clive Barker and Doug Bradley, and then we moveon to what must be the piece de resistance (and my favourite chapter in the book) from Richard Stanley, the director of 'Hardware'. Let me ask you, how many books have you read recently which contain gems like this?:

"In point of fact, Hardware went into pre-production at a time when I thought I had put the movie business behind me for good. Having become embroiled with a Muslim guerrilla organization, I was about as far away from the Scala as I could possibly be, doing my bit to help the mujahedin to fight the communists in Afghanistan. I had just crossed the border back into Pakistan in order to get medical attention for one of my companions who had been wounded in the battle for Jallalabad when I found myself collared by the anxious producers and returned to England to start shooting my first feature as a director."

This guy didn't direct Rambo III...he lived it. Beat that, Mr. Stallone. It certainly trumps my oft-repeated claims about having been a ninja or working in porn, that's for sure.

Stanley's contribution is worth the price of admission by itself, although his recollections of the Scala left me feeling as if I needed a shower to get clean again. It takes in a lot of topics, most interestingly the Jamie Bulger murder, in the aftermath of which Stanley was present at the parliamentary hearings on video nasties.

It really brought back some happy memories of that era for me. Anyway, I'm off to dig out my VHS of 'Hardware', and perhaps see what I can do about getting myself a copy of 'The Lair of the White Worm', by fair means or foul!!!

Let me leave you with this:

"The debacle also proved to be the last straw for my then girlfriend who had been around just long enough to know that things weren't about to get any better. Clearing my odds and ends forcefully from her appartment, she singled out a copy of The Bird With The Crystal Plumage, Dario Argento's debut feature, for particular condemnation 'This is exactly the sort of shit I don't need in my life any more!' she spat, flinging the tainted cassette in my general direction, followed a moment later by a VHS copy of Michael Mann's flawed occult thriller The Keep."

There but for the grace of God go I...although having women pelt you with Giallo flicks on VHS sounds like the sort of kinky sadomasochistic action that certain people would pay a pretty penny for, especially if they were the ultra-rare 'big box' rental versions. Just another thing future generations will be missing out on now that everything's gone digital.

Anyways, back on topic, is it worth the money? Well, it will cost you something like £16-17 new from Amazon, and for my money, that's a tad overpriced (although lest we forget, I am tight-fisted) when you consider the type of book you could get from FAB Press for that sort of price. Still, I got my copy from the local library, so I'm not complaining.

Is it one I'll be ading to my permanent collection, should it turn up on Ebay for £6-8 in the near future? No, probably not...if I were engaging in any sort of academic study wherein the British horror film would be covered then I'd say it was an essential buy given the amount of quoteworthy analysis contained within, but I'm not. It was very much a 'one and done' experience for me, although one that I enjoyed a great deal.

Now, why doesn't some enterprising publisher tap up Richard Stanley for an autobiography?

LOST TRAILER PARK

Moving swiftly on from Hammer films which only exist as posters, it's time to delve into the world of films which only exist as speculative trailers.

The so-called 'faux trailer' has most recently been popularised by the Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez collaboration 'Grindhouse', wherein they and a few other selected filmmakers contributed fake trailers to play inbetween the two feature presentations of 'Death Proof' and 'Planet Terror'.



Alas, 'Grindhouse' blew chunks both critically and commercially, and most people were in agreement that the faux trailers were the best thing about the film. Indeed, so much of a hoopla was made over the fake trailers that Robert Rodriguez decided to spin one of them off into a feature length movie all of its' own. That movie was 'Machete', which, despite an awesome poster, also blew chunks both critically and commercially. I hear the third time's the charm, Bobby...but then again 'Once Upon A Time In Mexico' was a poor relation to the two films that preceded, so maybe that's not the case.



Still, rumours abound about Rob Zombie perhaps doing something with 'Werewolf Women Of The SS". Could faux trailers be the newest insidious marketing/decision making technique from Hollywood? Only time will tell.



What time won't tell you, but I will, is that if you want to see awesome faux trailers for movies that will never exist, then you need to get your ass over to the the Lost Trailer Park. It's nothing short of genius, and their newest trailer 'March Madness' is their best yet!



I first heard about it by listening to the filmmakers being interviewed on the Alternative Cinema Podcast. (If you're not already listening to it, you should be!), and lo and behold, it's even more awesome than it sounded when they outlined the premise of it. Go check them out!

Also, whilst were on the subject of faux trailers, I figure I'll throw in these two from VH1's 'Scream Queens' reality show.

Reform School Zombie Squad. Surely a contender for best line never in a movie?



Vampire Outlaws



Not bad as reality TV shows go, but how much cooler would it have been if the show was geared towards unearthing 'Scream Queens' in the more classical Linnea Quigley sense of the term?



So, it seems the newest trend in moviemaking is not making movies. Who would have thought it?

BECAUSE PIRATES VS. NINJAS IS SOOO LAST YEAR...

Seriously, how could you go wrong with a concept like this?

Sadly it's one of many proposed Hammer projects which never got off the ground (no pun intended) and thus never made it beyond the conceptual artwork/teaser stage.

I'd seen this image floating around the web some years ago, and was just blown away by the awesome simplicity of the concept, and the fact the concept is also simply awesome. It's like an internet meme all unto itself.

What I didn't realise is just how many embryonic Hammer ideas there were that never got produced. I've recently got 'The Hammer Story' out of my local library (it's excellent and a full review shall be forthcoming!), and it's mindboggling to see the Hammer films that never were.

Oh, to be Dr. Evil with his time machine and 100 million dollars...actually, given what I've read so far, $2 million would be enough to make 10 Hammer films plus have change left over. How times have changed, and not for the better.



In the end, it all comes down to nickels and dimes, and for whatever reason the people running the US studios declined these ideas and so they never came to fruition. All that's left is some rather excellent artwork to tease us with a glimpse of what might have been.

On that thought, let me leave you with the teaser poster for 'Savage Jackboot'. Peter Cushing a a Nazi. How cool would that have been?

BONE SICKNESS

BONE SICKNESS
Directed by Brian Paulin
Morbid Vision Films

I've been wanting to check out something from Morbid Vision for a while now...I see them floating about now and then on the Rue Morgue forums, and they seem like good people. Plus I'm getting a uniformly positive vibe about their movie 'Fetus'.

Thus, fate stepped in (in the form of the Horror channel) and provided me the opportunity to watch the movie which preceded 'Fetus', namely 'Bone Sickness'.

'Bone Sickness' chiefly concerns an unfortunate fellow called Alex, who is suffering from a rare degenerative bone disease. The only thing which seems to offset the disease is for Alex to consume bone marrow. Fortunately, Alex's friend Thomas is a mortician, and a man of highly dubious ethics, and thus has access to lots of freshly-minted cadavers brimming with juicy, succulent bone marrow. What could possibly go wrong, I hear you ask?

Take note, phoney Vegas stage magicians...the old 'Sawing A Woman In Half' trick performed without the aid of any tricked-out box. Beat that!



Without wanting to give too much of the plot away, let's just say that all hell breaks loose, the dead walk the earth, and Alex starts retching up worms and maggots as he begins to transform into something quite inhuman...and in that regard he's not alone!

Cleanse. Tone. Exfoliate. Moisturise. Worms. Because you're worth it.

IMDB estimates the budget at around $3000, and as we all know, IMDB is never wrong. Ever.

It struck me that I've actually watched indie horrors with a budget slightly more than 1000 times (yes, one thousand times that of Bone Sickness, and whilst the money is clearly evident in the technical quality of the finished product, if the filmmakers aren't coming from 'the right place', horror-wise, then all the money in the world ain't gonna make a lick of difference. Look at this way, if you can rack up three stars on IMDB by only spending $3,000 then it suggests to me that with a little extra cash and a touch more experience, Paulin and company could really light it up.

You can't keep a good man down...or a zombie, for that matter.

Sure there are technical faults aplenty, and room for improvement in any department you'd care to mention, but the amount of set-piece moments crammed in here, especially considering the obvious financial limitations, is highly impressive.
In spite of the faults, it's still a movie I could stand to watch a second time. I can't say that for Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (about an hour too long, if I'm honest) or 2012 (just plain awful).

A lot of the cast could be described as 'not ready for primetime', but you're not watching this film for soulful soliloquys and meaningful monologues, but rather sadistic skullcrushing and malicious maimings, and on that front, 'Bone Sickness' delivers the goods in spades. And hatchets. And just about any sort of blunt-force trauma inducing object that you might care to imagine.

In addition to the gratuitous gore, we also have some gratuitous nudity to balance the proceedings out.

Usually, when Ruby LaRocca is getting eaten in a movie, it's by Darian Caine or Misty Mundae, not Zombies!

Ruby LaRocca is probably familar to any Seduction Cinema devotees lurking amongst our number (it's okay...you're amongst friends here!), and bodacious lead actress Darya Zabinski's charms might be best summed up as 'a dead heat in the Zeppelin race'...if you know what I mean!
Some mornings, I just don't feel myself until I feel myself...

There's also one bizarre incidence of pixellation of a girl's genitals, I'm guessing perhaps with an eye on being suitable for the Japanese market?

The Japanese do indeed make some rad DVD covers, it must be said...

My biggest gripe with Bone Sickness is not the technical issues, but rather with structure. After what should be the big finale, we have a couple of other scenes tacked on at the end.

Remember: If Brian Paulin ever suggests that he should 'Pimp Your Ride' for you, it would be well advised to politely decline his kind offer...

There's nothing wrong with the scenes in and of themselves (indeed, the graveyard sequence is a veritable gore tour de force, with a terrific bludgeoning decapitation with the help of a handy headstone!), it's just that
they are devoid of any protagonist the audience can identify with, seeing as just about every character in the film
is slowly working their way through some zombie's digestive tract at this point in the proceedings.

If I'm being picky, he should really be wearing gloves...but who's going to argue with someone pointing a gun at them?

There's also a sequence illustrating the zombie problem spreading to the wider world, and with the forces of humanity clad in biohazard suits, it kind of puts one in the mind of Romero's 'The Crazies',
or other toxic-spill inspired zombie flicks of the Eighties. Again, nothing wrong with it...there's a car stunt, a body burn, and yet more gore, including an awesome suicide-by-hand-grenade scene!
It's just that it seems superfluous in the context of the general storyline of the movie.

Finally, we have a short but atmospheric scene showing a zombie ambling his way across a snow covered landscape as a desperate voice on the radio asks if there is anyone out there still alive. I think this scene might have worked better if it was dropped in at the end of the credit reel.
As it is, it's just another part of the collection of scenes at the end which tend to distract from the narrative that has preceded it. I can certainly see the intent of these scenes, but whilst they contain some of the more impressive sequences in the film, I still think they do more harm than good.
Looking at them, it's hard to see how you would edit them down so as to be effective in a narrative context without losing something good in a blood-and-guts context. Working at this budget level, if you've spent the time and money shooting something, you really can't afford not to put it in.

I couldn't help but like it, in spite of the numerous production shortcomings. The good outweighs the bad, and it's never boring, predictable, formulaic or prosaic...I've seen a lot more respectably-budgeted mid-level indie horrors
where the production values are on a par with a 1990s TV show, but they're just kind of bland. Bone Sickness was obviously done on a shoestring, and more often than not it shows, but it matters not a jot in the grander scheme of things because it's evidently a movie that has its' heart in the right place...until some undead ghoul tears it out of their chest or something, that is.

It's a heaving, pus-spewing, blood-gushing, gore-laden highlight reel of horror set pieces. I think a lot of more casual horror fans would dismiss it out of hand as amateurish rubbish (but what do they know, after all?), but true horror fans would immediately realise a no-budget gem that punches way above its' weight.

Cool? Undoubtedly.


If you like your movies all glossy and blue-lit like every other Hollywood horror, you'll hate Bone Sickness. If, on the other hand, you love low budget indie horror and like to see practical effects as opposed to CGI, then Bone Sickness will be right up your alley. This is horror made by hardcore horror fans for hardcore horror fans, for those people to whom splatter matters.
If you, like me, count yourself amongst that number, then you'll no doubt be punching the air with macabre glee and failing to restrain yourself from yelling 'Fucking Old School!' at the top of your lungs. I kind of caught myself subconsciously humming the theme tune from 'Zombie Flesh Eaters' a couple of times...it's definitely a movie that will bring those sort of 80's Italian zombie flick memories rushing back.

Now that's what I'm talking about!

Your mileage may vary dependent upon your tolerance for ultra-low budget filmmaking, but for me this movie rather hit the spot. C'mon...where else are you going to see a film where one of the characters projectile-farts a mess of worms out of their bleeding backside?

Exactly.

Apparently there are two versions of this flick in existence, but I've no idea which one it is that I ended up watching, and which DVD version that corresponds to. I'm going to attempt to find out and will update this review accordingly as and when I do.

There goes the neighbourhood...

So, having ostensibly 'watched it for free' on the TV, would I now go out and buy it on DVD? Yes, I think I will...however, I think I might be tempted to make a little detour and perhaps check out 'Fetus' first. Either way, Bone Sickness has served to whet my appetite. It's an acquired taste, no doubt, but it's the kind of thing I can most certainly watch quite happily.

A Brief Update...

First off, apologies for not posting in so long. I've recently had both of my computers go haywire, plus I've been experimenting with a new format for posting reviews on the blog. Rather than type them straight into Blogger, I'm going to complete them in another application and then just copy and paste them.

The problem with Blogger is that you save something, come back to it and finish it off, or post something new inbetween finishing it, and it gets posted in the date order you started it, ergo the 'newest' post may actually crop up in the archives rather than front and centre. There have actually been updates to this blog, but due to the dating system, you could be forgiven for missing them and thinking it was not the case.

In spite of all that, I haven't simply been sat around doing bugger all. In fact, I've been rather busy...here's what I've been up to:

1)Writing reviews for the Combat Film section of Combat Magazine. They keep me well stocked with interesting screeners, some of which I shall also be reviewing here in a more in-depth fashion. Aside from getting my (real) name and work in print, it has also provided me with the opportunity to get my reviews quoted on DVD sleeves and even on TV adverts!

2)Getting the ball rolling on my new blog project Read, Review, Bid Adieu, wherein I am undertaking to re-read, review, and then get rid of my massive comics collection one book at a time. Feel free to drop by and enjoy my reminiscences, recollections, remorse and regret as I slowly whittle my comics collection away, bit by bit.

I kicked the whole thing off with a bang with San Diego Comic Con Comics #2 (the very rare and very valuable first ever appearance of Hellboy!). Yes, the first cut is the deepest, but if I can bring myself to sell that, I shouldn't have any problems parting with the rest of my collection...or should I?

Tune in and find out for yourself. It promises to be an excruciatingly embarrassing experience as I try to recall what motivated me to buy certain books and so forth.

3)Visiting the set of the upcoming film 'On The Ropes' and interviewing the principals behind it. Look for a report to appear in Combat magazine shortly...

So remember, anything cool and genre-related you might have that needs reviewing, send it my way! Just drop me an email for the details. I have to say that I am more than a little shocked and disappointed not to have been deluged by a flurry of no-budget zombie or slasher movies yet. If you know someone who knows someone who's making a zero budget horror flick, send them my way, dammit!

Also, I don't just review movies...I can (and do) read books as well. Frankly, I'm game for anything. Having said that, the only offers I've had to review stuff on my blog have come from a software company, whose products aren't remotely genre or exploitation related. Must I be reduced to that? I hope not, but on the plus side they are promising me a full version of the software if I publish a good review. Shall I prostitute myself so? I may not need or have use for my software, but perhaps the whole thing would make good fodder for my CV (or 'resume' for our Americanese-spesaking readers).

In the meantime, I'm gearing up to drop one of my 'new format' articles on the blog...a Johannes Roberts retrospective. It's gonna be a doozy!

THE SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSICAL POONTANG THEORY...

Let me run this past you:

PART ONE:

How the BBFC could even contemplate banning this masterpiece is beyond me...

THE SPAGHETTI WESTERN BIT
One of the greatest Spaghetti Westerns ever filmed (for my money, at least) is Sergio Corbucci's 'Django'. I could totally murder the theme song at a Karaoke evening. It's the film Sam Peckinpah's 'The Wild Bunch' wishes it was, and that's saying something!

THE MUSICIAN BIT
Dave Stewart (most notably the one out of The Eurythmics who wasn't Annie Lennox) has a son, also a musician, called 'Django'. He probably named him after the somewhat obscure guitarist Django Reinhardt, but I'd prefer to think he named him after Franco Nero's coffin-dragging badass of the same name. Plus, it fits the theory.

Admit it. You would, wouldn't you? I know I would...

THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN BIT
Django Stewart is, as we say in the trade, 'knocking off' the rather delectable Georgia May Jagger.

PART TWO:

Nobody made a Spaghetti Western about a guy called Pete Best, know what I'm saying?

THE SPAGHETTI WESTERN BIT
There's also a titular Spaghetti Western character called 'Ringo', who has also appeared in a number of films. Face facts: Any movie franchise that can have both Richard Harrison(the undisputed King of Ninja movies!) and Sergio Leone doing the musical duties must be required viewing.

THE MUSICIAN BIT
The drummer out of The Beatles is also called 'Ringo'. The generally-held consensus is that Ringo was not only the least musically talented of the group (pretty harsh when you consider the competition), but probably also not really musically talented enough to make a career as a professional drummer either.

THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN BIT
Yet Ringo was somehow talented enough to pull Barbara Bach, one of the most outrageously doable Bond Girls ever.

Rope. Closet. Women's underwear. Is it still 'too soon' for me to start doing David Carradine jokes?

I'd say that trumps a Yoko Ono in any man's language, even more so if said man happens to be avowedly heterosexual.

PART THREE:

Do I really have to further prove my theory to you foolhardy disbelievers by revealing that there is in fact a character called 'Mongo' in 'Blazing Saddles', named after the musician Mongo Santamaria?

You can naysay all you like, but I am convinced that this in fact proof positive of one of the immutable laws of the universe, like toast always landing buttered side down and cats always landing on their feet.

Mongo chins a horse

It seems quite evident to me that if you want to hook up with the best looking women, it pays to be named after an obscure character in a Western who also shares a name with a musician, and the name should preferably end with the letters 'ngo'. For some reason, the convergence of Spaghetti Westerns, Music, and the 'ngo' ending seems to attract beautiful women like bees to honey.

Bear this in mind when it comes time to name your male offspring. Me, I'm off down to the Deed Poll office to get my name changed to 'Bango', then I'm going to kick back and wait for scores of beautiful women to start throwing themselves at me, like they do in those terribly subtle deodorant adverts you see on the TV.